TL;DR: I have decided I'm an agnostic atheist and it's not going to change. Period.
(Warning: this is a late night rant so I'm probably not making sense)
I am tempted to 'hashtag' the 'unpopular opinion' tag.
On top of my usual swears of 'freaking hell' 'oh jesus' 'oh my god', I have found myself not believing the 'flying spaghetti monster' (sorry guise I really am).
For the past few years I have been contemplating on whether I'm a theist or an atheist.
Not that religion is extremely important to the extent that my life depends on it, but it's something that bugs me every now and then.
Before I say anything, here's some facts about me:
1. I went to a Catholic private school (Year 1-7); my parents sent me there not because the school is Catholic, but because that school is close to home and it is known for the great education it provides.
2. I came from a culture (Taiwanese) where the majority of the population's religion is Buddhism.
3. I was told all about how Jesus was born (etc.) since pre-school and even participated in the Christmas school play when I was in grade four. At the end of grade six, our entire cohort even went on a religious graduation field trip.
4. I believed in god due to the influence of religious education (until seventh grade).
5. I was a theist.
6. I am not anti-religion: believe in your god, I don't mind; tell me about your god, I am completely fine with that.
When did I 'lose my faith'? Well, I didn't lose it, it was never there. Maybe I should explain how I was a theist.
When I was in pre-school (a Catholic one too), the teachers there asked us to pray and thank god for all he has gave us. I did what they asked, because I believed that they were right. I trusted their judgement and thought all of their opinions are facts.
I didn't believe in god, I trusted those who are older then me, on the basis that they are more knowledgeable.
I prayed to god, about a lot of things, talked to 'him', asked for things - stupid things too.
But I didn't stop believing in god because 'he' didn't give me what I asked for, or that he's not answering my prayers, but because the act of speaking in my mind thinking that someone else would hear it has become nonsensical.
I started realising the saying of 'cherish what god has gave you' is a load of bullshit:
Here's the three stages I've been through: questioning, anger and accepting.
The first question that was asked was, ironically: what will Jesus do?
From what I heard, what 'Jesus would do' is often the popular opinion, the opinion that most majority of the society think is right. It's either black or white, right or wrong: nothing is debatable, anything in the 'grey-zone' is considered black (eg. oh you're straight but you support gays? jesus hates you then, etc.).
The other question was: why do third world countries exist?
If god is loving, all would be equal. Those who are raped don't deserve to be raped (STILL NOT ASKING FOR IT); those who got stabbed in the back doesn't deserve it; those born with disabilities don't deserve it.
Furthermore, I have found the 'setting' of god punishing those that are sinful and rewarding those that are rightful nonsensical.
And then as I was questioning, I started hating things and people. This is the stage I probably wanted to punch myself more than anything. This is the stage that I would brag about how I 'lost' my faith, where I'll complain the world is a shitty and miserable place and everything should go and fuck themselves. (basically the angsty teenager stage if you ask me)
When I was in my senior years of high school, my family got into some personal shit that I wouldn't get into too much detail about. But basically it's about my parents. And it was pretty shitty that it happened right in front of me.
I was not ready to see my parents being vulnerable and 'human'.
And then I just threw everything I believed about love into the seven hells.
"Marriage is stupid." I told myself.
"Love is just a tool for lust."
"If love isn't real, what am I to my parents? What am I to anyone?"
And then shit in my head just went crazy. Nothing seems right and everything seemed wrong.
After that, I started hating those who worship god.
I was so angry at myself for believing things that 'doesn't exist'.
And then depression and self-hatred happened, for a long while.
But then friendship happened, ironically (again), I was picked up by those who are theist.
They taught me how to love and believe, not in god, but myself, and how to trust others (and I thank them a lot for that).
And then I returned to questioning again, with a new view point.
This time not about what the world is lacking, but what the world has.
If you ask me how this world was created, how this universe came to be, I'll probably shove some Wikipedia page on 'The Big Bang Theory' in your face because I have no clue.
What I believe in is this:
Nothing is planned, nothing is 'meant to be', nothing 'happens for a reason' (the hell to being raped and killed for being meant to be (if that makes sense)).
Everything happens due to coincidences. Little coincidences leading to you and me meeting and being BFFs 5ever, creating big events.
Having something planned out is boring anyways. I would prefer coincidences because it's freaking magical (and awesome!).
I believe that there's no god, no judge of right or wrong (let's leave that to the crappy legal system we have).
I don't kill because I might go to hell or because I'll go to jail, it's because I'm human. (and I love y'all even though some of yous are assholes lol)
Most importantly, there's nothing that can prove the existence of god (not the bible (bees)): faith is not enough.
I have faith in you, I have faith in my friends, because they are there. I wouldn't put my faith in 'someone' that doesn't have any importance or influence on me.
It is impossible to prove the existence of a deity, therefore god doesn't exist.
But just like the 'all students wear green' theory, it's harder to prove that something doesn't exist (eg. you go to a school where you see all the students wearing green, but you cannot assume that all students wear green).
I am still open to believing god - when he is actually proven.
Until then, god doesn't exist, because it cannot be proven.
"Don't believe in a god who believes in you, believe in yourself who believes in you." Gurren Lagann anyone?
I'm open to question and discussion.
Listening to: Body Party by Aoora (Double A)
Reading: Fanfictions (Pairing: Stucky)
Watching: CA:TWS & GoT: SE4
Playing: The Elder Scrolls: Skyrim
Eating: Hungry Jack's